Rules of Engagement
by FMGRE
Summary: Morelli and Ranger compete to win Steph's heart.  Babe fic, Morelli friendly.  Rated M for language and possible smut in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

He sat in a dark corner of the bar nursing his drink. He'd been there most of the night; actually he'd been there for most of the past several nights. Funny, he hadn't drank this much since he'd been a reckless adolescent. And it was all over a woman. He expelled air and downed the rest of his drink. This was exactly why he didn't do relationships; women always got into your head, fucked you up, and then left you.

'Except you were the one who left her' echoed that annoying little voice in the back of his head. Well, he hadn't exactly left her. But he'd pushed her so far away she was never coming back. His fucking male pride had made sure of that. He'd been so afraid of rejection, he'd wanted to beat her to the punch, end their friendship on his terms. He wished desperately he could do it over, and this time he'd beg her to pick him. 'Too late moron' chanted in his thoughts.

More alcohol, he decided. He walked to the bar and made eye contact with bartender. He nodded and handed him another drink. The fact that he didn't even have to ask for what he wanted attested to just how much he'd drank since he'd cut off contact with Stephanie. Fucking pathetic, he thought.

He turned to go back to his seat and stopped dead. Morelli was seated at the end of the bar looking much the same as Ranger felt. What was he doing here? Shouldn't he be at home with Steph celebrating their impending engagement? Morelli's eyes lifted from his own drink and met Ranger's.

"What the fuck are you doing here Manoso?" Morelli slurred. "Shouldn't you be at home banging the love of my life?" Jesus, Morelli had serious head start on blood alcohol content, he was already using phrases like 'the love of my life'.

"I could ask you the same question Morelli," Ranger replied folding his arms across his chest. His common sense was telling him to walk away, but the alcohol was suggesting a less intelligent course of action. And for the first time in years, he told his common sense to take a flying leap. He _wanted_ this confrontation. More than that though, he _needed_ it. His frustrations had been building up for a while and he figured that this would be just the thing to help him vent.

"She told me no." This information hit Ranger like a punch in the stomach. He had already steeled himself for the inevitable. Time after time she had gone back to Morelli, so when he had finally proposed; for real this time; Ranger knew he was too late. He had lost Steph and there wasn't a thing in the world he could do about it. So rather than waiting for her to deliver the final crushing blow, he decided to make it easier for her. 'Liar' that annoying little voice sang out, 'you made it easier for you, and made sure you left her before she had a chance to leave you'. That was true, but also he knew putting pressure on her wasn't right, not when she had a chance for something more with Morelli that he himself could never offer her. Yet, here they both were. Ranger couldn't help baiting him a little, he despised the man for having what he wanted.

"What'd do Morelli? Slip up with Gilman? Give her more ultimatums?" Morelli flinched a little at the last one. Figures.

"It's none of your business. She'll cool off and it'll go back to business as usual. Which doesn't include you anymore does it?" He leaned forward slightly, knowing he'd hit his mark. Since Ranger had walked out of her apartment he hadn't spoken to her once. What really cut him deep is that she hadn't even tried to get in touch with him, even though he'd insinuated not to. Not that he would have answered her phone calls if she had tried. He'd known eventually her 'maybe' to the proposal was going to become a 'yes', so what was the point?

"Fuck off Morelli. I backed of so she could be happy, not so you can fuck up again. Even _with_ my help you can't keep her. Next time, I'm not sending her back to you." It was true. If Ranger ever had another chance with Steph, he wasn't going to blow it. He hadn't known how fucking miserable he was going to be without her.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Morelli asked dangerously.

"Exactly what I said. I will not send her back to you again. You lost your chance," Ranger smiled smugly at Morelli. He didn't really expect to have another shot at Stephanie, but he liked goading Morelli. In turn, Morelli was finished with this conversation. He lunged at Ranger, intent on beating his face to a pulp. Ranger, being far less drunk than Morelli, stepped off to the side and let him sail past.

"I knew you'd been with her you son of bitch," Morelli said, standing unsteadily. "What did you do to make her run screaming back to me?" This was the final straw, both sides were guessing a little to close to the truth. They went down in a tangle of angry alpha-male.

They fought for several more minutes until a sharp blow to Ranger's shoulder brought him back to reality, followed by a soft umph from Morelli. Ranger rolled off the top of him and looked straight into a pair of angry blue eyes. Both men realized at the same time that Stephanie was standing furiously above them, hands on hips, her red FMPs poised to deliver another set of kicks if they continued fighting.

"Cupcake…" Morelli moaned sitting up on the floor.

"No!" Stephanie said, in a low angry whisper. "Don't you cupcake me. And you!" she said pointing a finger at Ranger who still lay on the dirty floor, "Don't you dare Babe me. Do you know I've had twelve phone calls telling me I needed to get down to this bar right away? How long have you been at it? Long enough for me to get dressed and drive over here at least."

"Listen, Steph-" Morelli tried again.

"No! I'm done with both of you," she pointed a finger at Ranger. "You're an asshole who can't commit, and won't even talk to me, and _you_," she said narrowing her gaze at Morelli, "are a lying son of bitch who loves me as long as I do what you want me to. Well guess what? That's it. You can have each other for all I care. Enjoy!" she flipped them both off and stomped towards the door.

Morelli and Ranger's eyes met. They both stood up quietly and dusted themselves off. "I'm going to pursue her Morelli," Ranger said, levelly.

Morelli snorted and then gave a little laugh. "Yeah, I am too."

"Then I suggest we set down some terms of engagement," Ranger replied, folding his arms across his chest. Morelli nodded silently. And so it began.

* * *

**Soo...I'm fairly new to this whole fanfiction thing. This is my first attmempt at a stephanie plum fic as well. Worth continuing? If so, I'll need a beta, any volunteers? If not, consider this a strange one-shot. If I continue, it'll eventually be a babe fic. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks so much to Haleigh for editing this and giving me some tips and pointers. This chapter is more setting up and background, but the in the next one, the games began! Stay tuned...**

* * *

**Chapter 2**

Stephanie drove home thinking of various ways to maim Morelli and Ranger. Unfortunately, she couldn't come up with anything horrible enough so she gave up on that and settled on deciding which one she would kill first.

It had been an all around crappy month, and it seemed to just keep getting worse. Two of her cars had gone to car heaven and she was no longer on speaking terms with either of the men she loved. Life's a bitch. She banged her fist on her steering wheel in frustration.

It had started almost exactly a month ago when Morelli had proposed to her at Pino's. Pino's of all places! He couldn't even have freaking taken her to Rossini's and _pretended _to be romantic. She'd told him maybe and then put off thinking about it for as long as possible. Finally, when denial had deserted her, she'd decided that maybe they should sit down and talk about it like two rational adults. Big mistake.

Steph had sat Joe down and outlined what she wanted from a marriage; namely support, fidelity, love, common goals, and understanding. Also, she expressed that she wasn't sure if she wanted to ever have kids, and she wanted to continue working at her job. She hoped Joe would reply to her similarly, but instead he'd laughed and said, "Cupcake, you're going to change your mind about having kids once we're married. And you can't be running around catching crazies while you're pregnant. Then when they're born, you're going to have to stay home for a while until they're big enough to go to daycare. Once they're big enough though, I fully support you going back to work; maybe I could get you a job filing down at the police station or something."

Stephanie did some deep breathing exercises rather than shooting him outright. He had completely missed the point! More than that, he hadn't even tried to listen to her. Steph had done a lot of thinking since the proposal, and as much as she tried, she wasn't able to come up with a scenario where she would actually want babies. Hell, she couldn't even come up with a scenario where she wanted to be responsible for something bigger than a hamster. The fact that he completely glossed over her desire to keep her job was the final straw. In the end, she had given Joe his ring and told him that if he didn't respect her or her wishes it was better for them to remain friends. Joe, of course, had disagreed.

Ranger however, was an entirely different story. Since Joe had proposed at Pino's the news had traveled around the burg in three seconds flat (long enough for every patron to whip out their cell phone). She didn't want to make a scene, so she had told Joe she would think about it, and took the ring from him.

The next day she returned home from a long day of bounty hunting to find Ranger sitting on her couch. She greeted him, and he had nodded in return.

"I heard the news," he said stoically. "Congratulations."

She had opened her mouth to tell him that she hadn't decided one way or the other, but he held up a finger to stop her. "This is a good thing Steph. I just stopped by to pick up my key fob from you, and tell you if you need anything before you quit, call Tank." He hadn't said it out loud, but there was an unspoken suggestion in his voice that she was no longer welcome to call him personally for help.

She was absolutely stunned, but fought back tears while she searched her bag for his fob. Silently she handed it over. He leaned over and whispered, "Have a good life, you'll make a great mom."

Assumptions about what she should and would do was something she expected from Joe and her mother, but never from her friend and mentor. He had always been supportive and there for her, so this behavior was far more devastating than it would ever be from Joe. He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek, then walked out the door, never to be seen again. Well, until tonight when she had walked into that bar.

What was that about anyway? She had just gotten home from the movies with Lula, who had been trying to cheer her up with the new movie about a vampire nymphomaniac. Steph was undressing for bed when she got the first of twelve consecutive phone calls. She answered the phone to a breathless Mary Lou, who told her she needed to get down the bar on twelfth street immediately. She threw her clothes back on and sped off in her 'new' nineteen ninety-four Chevy cavalier while fielding phone calls on her cell.

She screeched to a stop and rushed inside the bar, to a sight she had never expected to see. Ranger and Morelli were rolling around on the dirty floor, trying to beat the living daylights out of each other. What shocked her the most was that they were both obviously drunk. She had seen them both drink on occasion, but had never seen Ranger remotely intoxicated. Morelli rarely had more than a few beers anymore either, so his condition was surprising as well.

That hadn't been her first thought when she'd seen them rolling on the floor though. Her first thought had been, 'I'm going to shoot them,' followed very closely by, 'I left my gun at home'. So instead she'd settled on giving them each a good satisfying kick to whatever body part had been most convenient. She hoped they both had a nice little fuck-me-pump shaped bruise tomorrow. It would serve them right.

* * *

Back at the bar on twelfth street, Ranger and Morelli had ordered another beer in celebration of their agreement. 

"I suggest our first rule should be no sabotage," Ranger stated.

Morelli nodded. "Agreed. I also want a no interference policy."

Ranger raised an eyebrow and motioned for Morelli to continue. "If Steph agrees to go on a date with me, I want to be assured you won't contact her until it's over, and vice versa." Morelli took a drink of his beer to signify he was finished. Ranger thought it over for a moment, then nodded.

Morelli took a deep breath. His next rule pained him a little bit. In his experience, sex with Steph was phenomenal, but he always worried a little that her mind was somewhere else. Or, more accurately, with _someone_ else. "I also want an agreement than neither of us will attempt to seduce Steph during this. If she initiates…it's free game. She needs to make her choice free of pressure." Morelli wanted to end this creepy little love triangle once and for all, and as much as he wished otherwise, he knew sex would complicate the issue for Steph.

"Alright Morelli," Ranger said after a moment of consideration, "The only other rule I want to instate is a winner takes all policy. After Steph makes her choice, the other one walks away. This is up to her, and she needs ultimately to make her own decision, free of guilt.

"Deal." Morelli and Ranger shook hands. The rules were set, and unbeknownst to Stephanie, the battle for her heart had begun.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Thanks so much to Haleigh for doing such a thorough job editing! She makes my chapters sound so much better! Also, I just want to say that Stephanie's car here is my actual car that I owned until I graduated from college a couple years ago. And a goat really did sleep on top of it. When I traded it in, the car dealership told me it was so bad they were just going to ship it to Mexico. I don't know why anyone in Mexico would want it either...**

* * *

**Chapter 3**

The next morning, Steph stomped into the bonds office. It was raining, her car roof leaked, and she was still mad as hell over the scene she had witnessed the previous night. Too make matters worse, the leak in her roof was directly over the driver's seat, and the entire roof was dented in. This meant that her roof sloped inward, causing every bit of the rainwater to pool directly over Stephanie's head. The man she bought it from had failed to mention the leak, but had informed her that the huge freaking dent was an imprint from where his goat slept on top of the car. Who knew goats slept on top of cars? And who in New Jersey had goats anyway, she thought disgustedly. Connie glanced at her soaking wet hair and went back to filing her nails.

"Got any files?" Stephanie asked testily.

"Jeez, you got your panties in a bunch today. I don't suppose a certain bar fight has anything to do with it?" Connie asked as she held out a stack of files.

Steph's face darkened at the mention of Joe and Ranger. "I'm going to kill both of them. Then I'm going to let Simon Diggory shovel them up and steal their shit," she said as she leafed casually through the files.

"Who you gonna kill?" Lula's voice echoed from the doorway. "Cuz I know it ain't those two fine hunks of man that was fightin' over you last night. Here, I brought you some sugar white girl, to help cheer you up."

Stephanie eyed the bakery box Lula held. "That looks like birthday cake."

"Nope, I got you something better. This here is a Hanukah cake."

Stephanie didn't care what kind of cake it was; she was already cutting it into fourths before she registered the little menorah design decorating the top. "Where did you get a Hanukah cake in August?" she asked, turning bewilderedly to Lula. "And do you even eat cake for Hanukah?"

"I don't know girl, do I look Jewish to you? I'm black, we have Kwanzaa." Lula stuck a big bite of yellow frosting into her mouth. "See? I told you Hanukah cake was better than birthday cake."

"Well, what do you do for Kwanzaa?" Connie asked Lula as she forked her own cake.

Lula paused with a large chunk of menorah halfway to her mouth. "You know, I don't know what Kwanzaa is. Who cares about those other lame ass holidays anyways when you could have Christmas? Christmas has cookies, and gingerbread houses, and ham."

Stephanie smiled at the banter between her friends; they always knew just how to cheer her up. "But Hanukah apparently has cake," she said.

"Damn skippy. I guess any holiday is okay by me as long as there's food," Lula said.

"Amen," all three girls said in unison.

Once the cake was nothing more than an empty box, Stephanie concluded it was time to get down to business. "You up for riding shot gun Lula?"

"Hell yes. I was born ready. Who are we going after today?"

Stephanie sorted through the files. "Hmm...I've got an exhibitionist, a drunk-in-public, and a domestic violence."

"Let's do the drunk. Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll still be too hung over to run," Lula said.

Steph pulled her raincoat back on, and tried to ignore the fact that Lula's jacket was black and latex. As she looked closer, she realized it vaguely reminiscent of Trinity's coat in _The Matrix_. The skintight latex was an odd sight on a two hundred pound black woman, but is some strange way, it actually kind of worked for her.

They walked out into the rain and Steph hurried around to the driver's side to unlock the doors. Lula climbed into the passenger seat and wrinkled her nose. "It smells like goat turds in here," she said.

"It does not! You only said that because I told you where the dent in my roof came from."

Lula huffed in what Steph assumed was meant to be indigence. Ten minutes later, they pulled up in front of the skip's apartment complex. Looking closely, the faded sign on the side of the building proclaimed it as The Sunny Hill Retirement Complex.

Anthony Perdoni was a well known, relatively harmless drunk. He was a single, retired, bartender who lived alone in a crappy one bedroom apartment. Stephanie hoped he'd still be hung over from the night before and would be willing to come to the police station without a fuss. She didn't think she would be able to handle it if her eighty-two year old skip outran her today. She just might shoot him in his oxygen tank.

Stephanie knocked loudly, and after several minutes they heard rustling coming from behind the door. A blurry eyed, very bald and liver spotted man answered. He looked to be around two hundred years old, weighing in at about ninety pounds. He wore red suspenders paired with plaid golfing pants that hung loosely around his bony waist. Anthony also smelled like he had been fermenting in whiskey for the last ten years.

"Anthony Perdoni?" Stephanie asked.

"Yeah?" The little old man replied.

"My name is Stephanie Plum, and you missed your court date. I need to bring you down the station to reschedule." She held out her card to him.

He reached for a pair of thick black glasses and settled them onto his beak-like nose. "No shit? _The_ Stephanie Plum? I was at that bar last night when your two admires got into it. That was some kick you gave the big one! Tell you what, let me grab my jacket and you can tell me all about that deal they made." Anthony turned away from the door and shuffled to the coat rack in the hallway.

Lula turned to Stephanie. "You been holding out on me girl? After I brought you that nice Hanukah cake? You didn't tell me about no deal."

Stephanie whispered back, "That's because this is the first I've heard about a deal."

"Ooh! I see where this is going. You gotta pump his skinny little bird ass for information, and you're going to need my help for it." Lula said.

When Anthony found out that Steph wanted details about the bar fight, he decided he needed hamburger, large coke, and an order of fries to refresh his memory. Stephanie happily took him through the drive through, and listened intently as he described the entire encounter up to the point where she had broken up the fight. She nearly choked on her chicken nugget when he got to the part about Morelli calling her 'the love of his life'. The confusing thing for Steph however, was how Ranger had responded.

When they had been friends, he had given her every indication that he didn't do relationships. Then he had cut off all contact with her completely. But now, if Anthony was repeating his words back correctly, Ranger had indicated that he did in fact want a relationship with Stephanie. She couldn't help but wonder if he had meant it, or if he had only said it get a rise from Morelli. Still though, what if he had been serious? Stephanie was pulled from her thoughts by Lula's voice.

"What's this about some deal between Batman and Supercop?"

Perdoni smiled, displaying a lovely set of false teeth. "I'm getting to that. So after honey here stormed out of the bar, both men kind of eyed each other real serious like. The big one says 'I'm going to pursue her' and the Italian kind of laughed and said, 'me too'. Then they sit down all friendly like and they start coming up with these rules they're going to abide by while they chase her."

"No shit!" Lula squealed, "Girl, Batman and Supercop just made you a prize in their pissing contest. You gonna to put up with that shit?"

Stephanie narrowed her eyes, "Just what kind of rules did they make?"

Anthony outlined the entire conversation he'd overheard.

"I know that look girl, and what you're thinking doesn't bode well for either of those fine hunks of man," Lula commented.

"Nope," Stephanie replied as she pulled up in front of the police station. It had stopped raining, so Steph walked around to the back door and helped Anthony out.

"Thanks for the food and the company you lovely ladies! By the way," he said, suddenly turning serious, "did you know that your car smells like goat crap?"

As Stephanie drove Lula back to the bonds office, she started to do a little planning of her own. If Morelli and Ranger thought she was going to sit back and be some prize in their little game, they had another thing coming. Stephanie Plum was done with letting men fuck with her life, this time, she was going to fuck with theirs.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Stephanie pulled her car up to the curb outside the bonds office just before her car stalled. Lula cut her eyes to look at Steph.

"Did this purple piece of shit just stall?" She asked.

"Yeah," Stephanie sighed as she laid her head on the steering wheel.

"It ain't even a stick shift. Dang girl, if you don't just make a car come up with all sorts of problems. That's not normal. You got some sort of weird powers. I'm not letting you ride in my car anymore." Lula pulled on the door handle and pushed. The door wouldn't open. "You see what I mean about weird car powers?"

Stephanie pushed her own door open and walked around to Lula's door and pulled on the handle. Nothing happened. She pulled again, more forcefully this time. The door still remained closed. She balled up her fists and placed them on her hips, trying to intimidate the door into opening.

Lula rolled down her window. "You better get this door open, I'm a full figured woman, it's not like I can just climb out the window like your skinny white ass."

"I'm working on it!" Stephanie said. "Can't you just crawl over to the driver's side?"

Lula looked skeptically across the consol. "Maybe if I push this seat back all the way." She reached under the bucket seat and pulled the little handle. Nothing happened, the seat stayed in exactly the same position. Lula reached around to the side and pulled the handle to recline the chair. That apparently wasn't working either.

"Help!" Lula yelled out the window. "I'm stuck! They're going to have to get the Jaws of Life over here to get me out! I take it back! You don't just have bad car Karma, you have cursed car Karma!"

Stephanie's eyes widened at the mention of the Jaws of Life. That would mean she'd have to call dispatch. Which meant that every cop car in the entire city would show up for the Stephanie Plum show. "I'm sure we don't need the Jaws of Life," Stephanie said desperately, "I bet you can make it over the consol. Here, I'll help you!"

Stephanie hurried over to the driver's side door and wrenched it open. She pulled the driver's seat as far back as it would go and reached out her hands to Lula. "I'm telling you white girl, there is no way my full figure is going to fit over that consol." Despite her protests, she heaved herself up onto the seat and tried to crawl forward where she promptly got stuck. Now Lula was on her hands and knees halfway across the consol, wedged in place by her ample boobs.

"You better get that car door open, or I'm going to kick your skinny little ass when I get out of here!" Lula said. From her tone of voice, Stephanie didn't doubt it. She circled around the car back to the passenger side, intending to beat the stupid door open if necessary. Instead, she froze with shock at the site that met her.

Since it had stopped raining, Lula had removed the vinyl coat. Underneath the coat, she was wearing an electric blue tube top paired with a short black mini skirt. Under the miniskirt, Lula was wearing a thong that matched the tube top. Stephanie knew this, because in her efforts to climb out of the car, Lula's skirt had ridden up, and her entire derriere was hanging out of the open window.

"Holy crap!" Stephanie clapped a hand over her mouth, unsure of how to tell her friend that she was showing the entire world what a large black woman looked like in a thong.

"Now what?" Lula asked irritably. Stephanie was saved from answering by the appearance of a black Rangeman SUV that pulled in behind her. Her relief at not having to answer Lula was quickly replaced by panic. She was not ready to deal with Ranger right now, especially given her current predicament. Steph was debating on whether she should bolt when Tank stepped out of the SUV.

"Oh thank God Tank," Steph said in relief. "Could you help us? My car door got stuck and then Lula got stuck…" she trailed off and stepped to the side to allow Tank a full view of their predicament. Tank's eyebrows lifted slightly. She figured that was equivalent to shock in anyone else.

"Is that my man?" Lula called out, as she craned her neck to look.

"Hang on a second baby," Tank said. He reached for the door and pulled the handle. The door swung open easily, and Lula backed out onto the sidewalk.

"How did you do that?" Stephanie asked eyes wide.

"Good car Karma," Tank replied with a straight face. "Your car smells like goat ass."

"I told you," Lula said.

They all walked into the bonds office to the sounds of a dog barking. Stephanie cut her eyes to Connie who shrugged. "Joyce went in there about an hour ago. Whatever she wants must be something major, she's been barking for the last ten minutes." They all collectively shuddered.

"Anyway, a couple of things came for you while you were gone," Connie said. She pointed towards the table in the corner, where a large bouquet of flowers and a white box sat. "You got another stalker?"

"I get flowers, and you just assume they're from a stalker? Can't I get flowers because someone likes me?" Stephanie said as she waved her arms around. Lula and Connie exchanged looks. "Ok, fine. No one ever sends me flowers because they like me. They send me flowers because they want to kill me. Happy?"

Stephanie marched over to the flowers and pulled the card off the arrangement. Whatever stalker she had this time had really outdone himself, it was a beautiful arrangement at least. She ripped open the envelope unceremoniously to read the message.

_Dear Cupcake,_

_I'm sorry about last night._

_I wasn't thinking clearly,_

_but I want to make it up_

_to you. I'll be by for dinner_

_at 6. _

_Love, Joe_

Steph stared at the little note in shock. Joe bought her flowers? She waited a few more beats before she realized that Connie was already on the phone to the police station.

"Yeah, Steph got another delivery of flowers. Um, I don't know, I'll ask-"

"Connie!" Stephanie said, cutting off whatever she was about to say. "It's not a stalker. They're from Joe." It was Connie's turn to be dumbfounded.

"Really? Like he honest to God he sent you flowers? It's not a stalker? When you got the flowers and a box, I just assumed another stalker had sent you a body part." Stephanie nodded. "Wow, what did he send you in the box then?"

Stephanie had forgotten about the box. She turned around a pulled the lid off. Inside, was a beautiful chocolate cake. Beside the cake, there was another note. She pulled it out to read it and her mouth dropped back open.

_Babe-_

_I have a lot to apologize for._

_Let me do it in person_

_tomorrow, 7:00?_

_-R_

_p.s. the cake is only a_

_preview of the dinner_

_I have planned._

Lula had made her was over to Steph and was reading over her shoulder. "Holy shit, it's from Batman." Connie had hung up the phone, and was in the middle of taking a drink of coffee. She dropped the mug onto her desk, and it shattered into a million pieces, scattering ceramic and hot liquid all over her desk.

"Shit!" She grabbed a roll of paper towels and started to blot at the mess.

"You think this is part of that deal that little old drunk man was yammering about?" Lula asked, holding both of the notes in her hand.

"Yes," Steph said narrowing her eyes. She picked the vase up in one hand and the box in the other hand and marched outside. She sat them both down next to the dumpster and stomped back inside. Then she noticed that Tank was still there, sitting in a corner chair looking thoroughly amused.

"You!" she said, pointing a finger at him. "I'm going to put a stop to this shit, and you're going to help me."

A deer in the headlights expression came over Tank's face. "But Ms. Plum…"

"No. You're helping." Steph hoped that the tone of her voice would convey just how serious she was. Suddenly, a boom of thunder echoed outside, and it began to rain again. Stephanie looked outside the bonds office window at the flowers and cake. It was such a shame they were going to go to waste. Ella had probably put a lot of work into that cake too. It wasn't Ella's fault Ranger was a big jerk, and if Ella had put all that effort into it, the least she could do was eat it.

Stephanie ran back outside to the curb and scooped up the cake box. She paused then grabbed the flowers too. They had died for that arrangement; they deserved to at least be enjoyed. Returning into the bonds office, Stephanie passed Joyce walking out the door.

"Enjoy your job while you have it bitch!" Joyce called over her shoulder. Before Steph could ponder her meaning, she saw Joyce's foot come down into a puddle, and watched in slow motion as she slipped backwards, cracking her head on the sidewalk.

Laughter erupted from inside the office and she turned to see Connie and Lula bent over double. Stephanie went back into the bonds office and sat the cake and flowers down onto the table. "That was the best thing I've seen all week," Connie said, still laughing slightly. "What did she say to you before she fell on her ass?"

"She said, 'enjoy your job while you have it bitch'. Any idea what that means?"

Connie shook her head slowly. "No, but I'll keep an ear out for anything interesting. So you going to tell me this deal you and Lula were talking about, or do I just gotta guess?"

Stephanie quickly filled Connie in on their morning discoveries. She then turned to Tank, who had just emerged from Vinnie's office. "You're not going to tell Ranger anything about this conversation. And I want you to tell me anything you find out regarding this childish deal."

Tank looked thoughtful for a moment then said, "Alright, I'll help because I think Ranger is an idiot. But you gotta leave me out of this if he asks; I have no part of it."

"Deal," Stephanie agreed. Tank left and Stephanie sat down across the desk from Connie. They ate cake and discussed Stephanie's plans for Joe and Ranger. After they had finished their plotting, Stephanie decided to go home to make sure Joe didn't break into her apartment before she got there.

When she got to her car, she realized her door was still open from earlier. She slammed it shut, but it drifted open. Great, first the damn thing wouldn't open, and now it wouldn't close. After several minutes, Stephanie realized that no amount of slamming was going to make it catch, so she went back into the office to borrow a roll of duct tape.

Ten minutes later, she trooped into her apartment feeling weary. She was soaking wet, and could really use a nice relaxing bath. Unfortunately, taking a bath would provide Morelli the perfect opportunity to break his way in and she wouldn't be able to do a thing about it.

How could she keep Morelli out, but still be able to take a bath? Suddenly, inspiration hit and she ran back to her living room. She managed to pull her Couch into the foyer and push it against the wall. Now, if anyone tried to open the door, it wouldn't go more than a couple of inches, because the couch was wedged between her door and the wall. Brilliant.

She took her bath, taking extra time to shave and exfoliate. When she was finished, she sighed contentedly. She felt much better. She ran some gel through her hair and walked to her door to see if anyone had tried to get in. She smiled when she saw the security chain was undone; someone had tried...and failed to get into her apartment.

She passed Rex's cage and tapped the glass. He ran out of his soup can and twitched his whiskers.

"Hey little guy, how's it going?" Steph asked him. He just stared back at her. "Did you see I got some flowers and cake today? Morelli and Ranger are in big trouble."

Stephanie noticed that Rex's cage was looking pretty dirty, and she decided that since she was clean now, Rex should be too. Stephanie scooped him out of his cage and dropped him into the sink. She dumped his bedding into a black garbage bag then scrubbed the inside of his cage down. Then she filled it with new bedding and hamster pellets. For a finishing touch, she put a grape into his cage then dropped him back in. He twitched his whiskers and rushed into the can with his grape. The old bedding really needed to be taken out to the garbage, but Steph didn't feel like moving the couch from in front of the door.

Now what to do? She walked through her bedroom, when some movement outside her window caught her eye. Looking out, she saw Morelli climbing up the fire escape. He was more persistent than she had given him credit for. She ran back into her living room and grabbed the black trash bag. Then, she ran back to her room and opened the fire escape window.

"Go away Morelli!" She called down at him.

"Please Cupcake?" Morelli said, as he continued climbing the fire escape.

"No way! I had to break up a bar fight! Now go away or I'll be forced to make you."

Morelli laughed. "There is no way I'm leaving. And I seriously doubt you can make me."

"Wanna bet?" Said Stephanie. Then she grabbed the bottom of the trash bag, and shook out its entire contents right onto Morelli's head. Hamster droppings, urine soaked bedding, and other nameless things rained down the fire escape. Morelli stopped climbing and looked at the mess.

"I wish you hadn't done that Cupcake," Joe said looking down at his soiled shirt.

* * *

**AN: Lula's ass sticking out the window is apparently what I come up with when I'm on pain pills (root canal yesterday). Go figure. Thanks to Haleigh for editing! Oh by the way, I forgot to say this in earlier chapters, "I don't own these characters, and I'm not making any money for this." That includes all previous and future chapters. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you to Haleigh! **

* * *

To Stephanie's amazement, Joe simply brushed off the hamster bedding, and finished climbing up the fire escape. He tossed a duffle bag though the window and stepped through after it. She had to give him credit, at least he was persistent.

"I thought the hamster crap made it clear Morelli; I don't want to talk to you," Stephanie said as she folded her arms against her chest.

"Luckily, there's other stuff we can do that requires no talking at all." Morelli took a step towards Stephanie and pulled his shirt over his head, dropping it to the floor. Under normal circumstances, the sight of Joe's half naked body would have had her riding him like a cowboy in sixty seconds or less. Today however, it just pissed her off.

She backed up and gave him her best glare. He continued to move towards her, and just when Stephanie thought she was going to have to give him a good kick to emphasize her point he walked right passed her. She blinked in confusion. She turned around in time to see him rummaging though her bottom drawer, and emerge with a clean shirt. Morelli still had some of his things stored at Stephanie's; she hadn't had time yet to throw it all down the fire escape.

"Now, just relax, and I'm going to cook you a nice dinner," Morelli said as he pulled the new shirt over his head. He walked passed her and scooped up the duffle bag, leaving her standing dumbstruck in the middle of the room. What the hell had just happened?

The sounds of pots and pans clattering came from the kitchen. Stephanie sat down on her bed and grabbed her phone, punching in Lula's number.

"Lula?" She whispered into the phone.

"What's wrong with you white girl? Did you already break down and let Supercop in?" Lula asked.

"Not exactly," Stephanie replied. She quickly outlined what had happened, and then patiently waited for Lula's laughter to die.

"You dropped hamster crap on him and he still crawled through your window? That is one desperate man. I say you just let him cook dinner for you, and then you kick his ass out after you make him clean up." Stephanie considered Lula's advice. That's what she normally would have done…except for the deal he had made with Ranger. She didn't want to give either of them the pleasure of sucking her into their pissing contest. When she expressed this, the phone line went quiet for a couple of beats.

"What if…" Lula said slowly, "you actually went along with their game?" She cut off Stephanie's protests. "No, just listen a minute. You know about their deal, but they don't know that you know. That gives you the advantage. What if one of them is man enough to admit to what they're doing? You'd never know that otherwise. This here is a learning opportunity."

"I don't know…" Stephanie trailed off.

"Just try it!" Lula urged. Stephanie finally agreed to try it for a few days for lack of a better plan, and hung up the phone. She peeked into the kitchen. Joe stood in front of the stove stirring some sort of pasta sauce.

She sauntered into the kitchen and leaned against the doorframe to watch Morelli cook. "I'm not forgiving you," she said casually.

"You say that now Cupcake, but just wait until you try the food," Morelli said with a sexy grin. One that would have her melted into a puddle two days ago, but now made her want to strangle him.

"You realize I'm kicking your ass to the curb as soon as you clean up your mess," Stephanie said, ignoring Morelli's smile.

"Then I guess I should eat before I clean," he replied.

"Guess so. Since you've got me trapped, you better start coming up with some really good reasons why I should forgive you."

A flash of discomfort flashed over Joe's face only to be replaced by confident smirk. "How about because you always do?"

"Nope. Not this time," Steph replied.

"Because you love me?" Joe suggested.

"Nope."

"Because I'll I'm make it worth your while, over and over again?" Joe said, the light tone suddenly gone, replaced with a deep husky one. Stephanie shook her head stubbornly. He backed her into the counter and leaned in close, barely brushing his lips over hers. "Are you sure? I'm awfully good at begging for forgiveness."

Stephanie could see it in his eyes. He thought he had her, and he bent in low to trace her lips with his tongue. She allowed him several moments of victory before she suddenly broke the kiss and ducked under his arm. "Don't forget to clean that burner Morelli," Steph called over her shoulder. She walked back into the bedroom suppressing her giggles, while Morelli tried to keep the rest of the pasta sauce from bubbling out of the pot.

Morelli managed to salvage his sauce and they ate dinner companionably. Once they finished, Stephanie sat back in her chair and sighed. "That was great Morelli. Thank you very much." She stood up and leaned in close to his face. "Don't forget to scrub that burner."

Then she walked to her living room and flipped on the TV. She was really starting to enjoy being the one in control. After Joe had finished cleaning up he walked into the room. Stephanie turned around from her position on the carpet and smiled brilliantly at him. "You mind moving the couch back in here before you leave? I'm kind of tired of sitting on the floor."

Joe's eyes narrowed dangerously, Stephanie knew that he knew the couch had to be moved in order to get out. He pulled the couch back into the living room and settled it in front of the TV.

"Happy?" He asked.

"Yep! You can leave now," Stephanie replied.

"You're kicking me out?" Joe asked, his mouth dropping open.

"Yep. I'm still mad at you. So you have to leave. Unless of course you want to tell me why exactly you got in a bar fight with Ranger last night…" She trailed off, and gave him an expectant look.

He looked guilty and Stephanie rolled her eyes at him. "Yeah, I thought so. Bye Morelli."

"I'm not giving up," he called as he walked out the door. Neither was she, but he didn't need to know that.

* * *

The next day, Stephanie rolled into the office at ten. She briefed Connie and Lula on her night, much to their delight. 

"Damn girl, that's cold," Lula said when Stephanie had finished her story. "Good job."

"Anyway, enough of talking about my screwed up life. I got skips to catch," Stephanie said.

"Damn right you do!" Vinnie's voice called from inside his office. Connie rolled her eyes and started to search her desk for a bug.

"And I guess you're gonna need my help," Lula said. As she stood up, her outfit caught a ray of sun and nearly blinded Stephanie. Today she wore skintight silver hot pants paired with a purple sequined halter top. Both items of clothing looked like they had been stolen from an anorexic Las Vegas show girl, and were stretched to the max.

Stephanie shook her head and chose not to comment. She trooped out of the bonds office with Lula on her heels. As she walked towards her car, she suddenly noticed that Lula was no longer following her. She turned around to see her standing across the sidewalk with her arms folded across her ample chest.

"There ain't no way I'm getting in the cursed car again," Lula said.

"It's perfectly safe now," Stephanie said pointing to the duct tape, "see? There's no way you can get trapped."

"That don't mean nothing. The door will probably fly open on the freeway and the seatbelt will probably break. I ain't got no death wish. We'll take my car." With that, Lula opened the door to the firebird and slid in. Stephanie shrugged and climbed into Lula's passenger seat.

"I thought I had cursed car Karma and you weren't going to let me ride in your car anymore?" Stephanie asked as she buckled her seatbelt.

"Changed my mind. Now I just think that car over there is cursed. Where we off to girl?" Lula said, starting up the car.

"Umm…let's go after the indecent exposure guy. He sounds fun," Stephanie said as she shuffled through the files. She gave Lula directions and read his file.

Adam Alferi was a first time offender. Apparently, he thought streaking was a good way to attract his ex-girlfriend's attention away from her current date. Unfortunately for him, he was right about the attention and the ex-girlfriend had called the police. Go figure.

He lived in a small one bedroom duplex in a small working class neighborhood. After several minutes of planning, Lula covered the backdoor and Stephanie took the front. She knocked for several minutes before she got an answer. Alferi opened the door and Steph stared at him slack-jawed for several moments before she snapped back into reality.

Alferi apparently liked to be nude. Stephanie supposed that she might also if she had that much body hair. He was covered in thick black bristles _everywhere_. It actually kind of looked as if he was wearing a full body gorilla suit. Stephanie did her best not to let her gaze wander below his neck, and she quickly gave her spiel about needing to reschedule his court date.

"No," he said. Then he slammed the door in her face.

"Shit," she grumbled. She knocked on his door again. Suddenly, the end of a shotgun peeked out from behind a curtain. She ran back to the car while dialing Lula's cell phone.

"Time to go?" Lula asked from the other end.

"You could say that."

Lula pulled back up at the bonds office several minutes later.

"That was fast," Connie said, looking up from her magazine.

"Yeah," Stephanie replied. "Mr. Alferi didn't want to come with us. On the upside, I think we found the missing link."

"Yeah, he was a hairy one alright," Connie said. "I couldn't stop staring at his arms when I went down to bond him out."

"If you think his arms were bad, you should have seen the rest of him! I've seen dogs with less hair."

"Why didn't you call me?" Lula demanded. "I wanted to see the hairy freak of nature."

"Because he wanted to shoot us! I didn't think he would be too receptive if I knocked on his door again and asked if my friend could see how hairy he was," Stephanie said exasperatedly.

Suddenly, Lula and Connie fell silent and their gaze fixated on the bond's office door. The hair on the back of Stephanie rose, which could only mean one thing.

"Good morning babe," Ranger's voice said in her ear. His breath blew lightly across her earlobe sending a shiver through her body. Stephanie exhaled slowly, and tried to ignore her suddenly perky nipples.

"Ranger," she said fighting to keep her tone neutral.

"Outside," he murmured against her neck. Stephanie realized that she was fighting a loosing battle with her nipples, so she tried to focus her attention on keeping her tone cool and collected.

"I'm sorry, are we speaking now? Because the last time we spoke I believe you said-" Stephanie was cut off when Ranger scooped her up with one arm and tossed her over his shoulder. He carried her outside and sat her back down on her feet in the alleyway.

"What the hell was that?" Stephanie said indignantly. "Your the one who-"

She was cut off yet again, this time by Ranger's warm mouth pressed against her lips. She hadn't realized how much she had missed this- and him - in the past several weeks since he had left her apartment. She didn't consciously make the decision, but suddenly she had wrapped her arms around his neck and was kissing him back eagerly. Finally he pulled away so they both could breathe.

"Come to my place at seven? Please?" he asked. To Stephanie's surprise, he sounded almost…breathless? Could she have possibly made the man of mystery loose some of his infinite composure?

There was no way she could turn him down, not after he'd said the magic words.

"Alright," she said. "But that doesn't mean I'm forgiving you."

"It's a start," Ranger said, flashing a brilliant smile.

* * *

**So, how much of a hard time do you think she should give Ranger? How hard should he have to work to earn her forgiveness? **


	6. Chapter 6

Stephanie staggered back into the office, more than a little shell shocked.

"Girl, you have some explaining to do," Lula said as she backed Stephanie on a chair. "Now spill."

"I'm having dinner with Ranger tonight," she replied.

"And…" said Lula, waving her hand in a continue motion. "He carried you outta here like some caveman. You can't tell me the only thing he did was ask you to dinner."

Stephanie shrugged offhandedly. "That about sums it up."

"Humph. I see how it is. You're holding out on your friends. After all we done for you…" Lula trailed off and glared at Stephanie.

Stephanie squirmed a little under Lula's gaze and finally burst out, "Ok fine. He kissed me senseless and I forgot to be mad at him. Happy?"

"Damn right I'm happy," Connie said with a sigh. "I live vicariously through your love life you know."

Lula just grumbled and said, "Took you long enough to tell us. Let's just go after the wife beater."

"Sounds good," Stephanie said, breathing a sigh of relief at having the attention turned away from her screwed up love life.

They exited the bonds office and Stephanie ran to her car to retrieve her files. On the seat sat two beautifully gift wrapped boxes. One was shaped suspiciously like a shoe box and the other was large and thin. She suspected they were from Ranger, but since her door was duct taped closed, they could have really been from anyone.

She spied a tag on the larger box and used a pen from her purse to lift it. It just read _Babe._ Well, at least it wasn't from a stalker.

Lula wandered over, tired of waiting by the car in the heat. "What's that on your seat girl?"

"Looks like a present from Ranger," Stephanie said, still absent-mindedly poking the package with the pen.

Lula squealed in excitement. "Well stop poking it and open it up, I'm dying from suspense here," she said, dancing from foot to foot.

Stephanie ripped the wrapping off the larger gift and pulled off the top of the box. She folded back the tissue paper and let out a gasp, "Oh…My…God…"

She reached inside the box and pulled out a beautiful red designer dress. The damn thing had probably cost more than her parent's house. It was alluring yet tasteful, made entirely of silk with delicate red ribbon straps. Steph knew that the color would make a striking contrast with her hair.

"Holy shit." Lula said, her mouth falling open. "Is that what I think it is?"

"Yeah," Stephanie replied, still feeling shell shocked. She automatically reached for the second box and pulled the lid off of it. Matching red shoes lay inside, ones that were probably made just for her. They were adorned with red ribbons that were made from the same material as the straps on the dress. These were not fuck-me-pumps. While they were pure sex, they instead screamed, Seduce-me-if-you-can.

Lula cleared her throat and Stephanie raised her head to meet her gaze. "You might want to rethink forgiving a man who picks out shoes like that. That's a pretty damn good apology in my book." It was a pretty damn good apology in Steph's book too. But every time she thought about Morelli and Ranger's deal, she got mad all over again. He wasn't getting off the hook just by buying her some absolutely gorgeous, breathtakingly beautiful things. She'd had to break up a bar fight for god's sake.

Stephanie felt uncomfortable leaving such expensive items of clothing in her duct-taped car, so she ran them into the bond office where Connie could keep an eye on them. This of course led to another round of squeals and it was several more minutes before Lula suggested they go catch their skip.

They loaded into Lula's firebird and took off towards their skip's house.

"Apparently we're not going after a wife beater," Stephanie commented after several minutes of leafing through the file.

"What are we going after then?"

"Boyfriend beater. Regina Metler. She apparently hit her boyfriend in the head with a skillet. He didn't like that," Stephanie said, her eyes still fixed on the file.

"She sounds like fun."

* * *

Regina lived in an older house that looked carefully maintained. Straight hedges, perfectly manicured paint, and evenly spaced flowers in the flowerbed. 

Lula took the back door as usual, and Stephanie rang the bell. A petite blonde woman answered the door. She wore a fluffy pink dress and had her hair held back by a matching pink headband. If Stephanie hadn't already seen her picture in the file she would have thought Regina was about twelve years old.

"Can I help you?" asked Regina. Her voice was impossibly high and tinkled slightly.

"Yes, I'm Stephanie Plum. You missed your court date, and I need you to come with me to reschedule."

"Court date?" Regina echoed, wrinkling her forehead slightly.

"Yes, for domestic violence against your boyfriend," Steph said, hoping to jog her memory.

"Boyfriend?" Her forehead wrinkled even more.

"You were bonded out by Vincent Plum bail bonds a couple of weeks ago," Stephanie said. She was beginning to feel a little bit uneasy. Generally her skips knew exactly which court date she was referring to, and at the very least knew who their boyfriends were.

"Was that for when I hit Stanley in the head?" she said after thinking for several more seconds.

"Um, it says here that you hit someone named Stanton," Stephanie said, as she leafed back through Regina's file.

"Stanley, Stanton, whatever. The guy was a loser, I told him to take the trash out _twice_. Can you believe that? Twice! Not only that, he also left fingerprints on my refrigerator. Disgusting slob. It's too bad he only had a concussion, people like that just don't deserve to live, am I right?" Regina gestured wildly with her hands, causing Stephanie to step back to keep from being hit. Regina was apparently a nut.

"Umm, yeah," Stephanie agreed, "What a slob. So if you would just come with me we'll get this straightened out and you can get back to…whatever you were doing."

"Nails. I do nails. I've won lots of awards; no one can get them to look as perfect as I can. My mama says it's because I'm obsessive compulsive. Would you like me to do your nails before we go reschedule?"

"Well, uh…I don't know," Stephanie began. Before she could finish, Regina had snatched her hand and was studying her nails closely.

"Oh my God. You poor thing!" she said. "Your cuticles are just wrecks."

Lula chose that moment to walk around from the side of the building. "What's taking you so long girl?"

"Regina, this is my associate Lula," Stephanie said, gesturing towards her. Regina's eyes widened and she stared at the sparkles and spandex that adorned Lula's full figure. A second too late, Stephanie realized that to someone who was obsessive compulsive, Lula's clothes must be painful to look at.

Before she could jump in to do damage control however, Regina opened her mouth. "Your clothes shrunk in the wash."

Lula looked down at her spandexed body. "No, my clothes are fitting just right. You got a problem with the way I dress, white girl?"

"I do if that's the way you chose to clothe yourself," Regina replied, with a serene smile. Lula narrowed her eyes and took a step toward Regina.

Stephanie pulled her stun gun out of her purse and flicked it on. Before Lula could get close enough to Regina to hurt her, she reached out and pushed the tongs to Regina's arm and pulled the trigger. She squeaked and fell over. Steph figured that having a few volts was probably safer for Regina than facing Lula in rhino mode, especially when Regina appeared to have no sense of self preservation.

"Well why did you go and do that girl?" Lula demand, hands on hips.

"Just help me load her up," Stephanie said as she grabbed Regina's arms. Lula grabbed her legs and they carried her to the car. She ran back and locked up Regina's house before jumping into the firebird.

* * *

Half an hour later, Stephanie was five hundred dollars richer. 

"Let's go shopping for something to put under that dress," Lula suggested as they pulled away from the bonds office. "A dress like that deserves special underwear."

Stephanie agreed, so off to the mall they went. They spent three hours deciding on the perfect underwear for the dress. In the end, they settled on a red lacy set that wouldn't show under the silk. As Stephanie was paying for her purchases, she glanced at her clock and nearly had a heart attack. It was six o'clock, leaving exactly one hour for her to get home, get ready, and drive to Rangeman.

Lula rushed Stephanie to the bond's office where she grabbed Ranger's gifts and dove into her car. She drove home at breakneck speeds, squealing into the parking lot. Steph flew out of her car and ran up the stairs, not having enough time to spare for the elevator. When she emerged onto the second floor she slowed slightly at the site that greeted her at her door.

Valerie stood there with baby Lisa in one arm and Mary Alice's hand in the other. She looked beyond frantic. Her hair stood on end and her dress which had once been nice was now rumpled and hung off to the side. "Stephanie!" she cried with a look of pure relief on her face. "Oh thank god. Can you please watch Lisa and Mary Alice for me? I was supposed to be at Angie's school an hour ago to help with the fundraiser her class is putting on tonight. Albert was supposed to watch them, but he actually got a case and lord knows we need the money."

Stephanie cut her eyes from side to side, thinking frantically. "What about mom? Couldn't she do it?"

"Mom's at night school," Valerie said, hysteria creeping into her voice again. "Please Steph? I really need your help."

Sighing, Stephanie resigned herself to an evening of babysitting instead of being romanced by an apologetic Cuban. "Alright, no problem. You owe me for this though."

"Definitely," Valerie agreed, thrusting Lisa into her arm and almost sprinting down the hallway.

Stephanie looked down at Mary Alice. "Hi Aunt Stephanie," she said, smiling widely. "Do you have any hay? I'm hungry, and that's what horses eat is hay."

"Umm…I don't think I have any hay, but we'll see what other horse-friendly foods I might have," Stephanie said, thinking quickly. She didn't think she actually had any food in the house, much less hay.

She reached into her pocket and unlocked her door, instructing Mary Alice to grab baby Lisa's diaper bag and car seat. She settled Mary Alice in front of the TV and put Lisa on the floor covered by a blanket. She gave a last wistful sigh as she gazed at the dress and shoes, and stuck them in her closet.

It was nearly seven, so she picked up the phone and dialed Ranger.

"Yo," he answered

"Hey Ranger," she said, "I've…umm…had a complication. I just got home and-"

He cut her off, "That's ok babe, we can do the fancy dinner another night. Why don't you just come over the way you are?"

"I'd like to Ranger, I really would, but…" Steph trailed off as she looked over at Mary Alice watching TV. Suddenly, she had a flash of inspiration and a smile crept over her face. "Well what the heck, I guess I could do that. I'll be over soon."

"Then I'll see you in ten minutes," he said.

Still smiling to herself, Stephanie walked behind the couch. "Mary Alice, how would you like to go to one of my friend's houses for dinner?"

"Sure Aunt Steph!" She said, smiling hugely.

* * *

**AN: Thanks again to Haleigh for editing, you pretty much rock! Suggestions, comments, criticisms? Leave for me in a review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Of course, thanks to Haleigh! Yay for procrastinated work on both our parts.**

* * *

After a minimum amount of hassle, Steph managed to get both of her nieces strapped into the backseat of the car. She would have let Mary Alice sit in the front had Lula not given her a very vivid mental image of her door flying open on the freeway. Best to avoid tempting fate on that one.

The drive to Haywood was uneventful, and she pulled up to the gate of the parking garage several minutes later. Steph studied the gate, realizing that she no longer had Ranger's key fob to let her in. Fortunately, someone must have recognized her on the scanners, because the gate magically opened. She parked, and circled around to the back door to retrieve her nieces.

"What that?" A deep male voice asked from behind her.

Stephanie turned and smiled sweetly at Tank. "These are my nieces, who my sister asked me to baby-sit half an hour ago. Mary Alice, this is Tank."

"Does the boss know?" Tank said after several moments of staring down at the little girl.

"Not yet. This what he gets for being an ass," Stephanie replied. She smiled broadly and unbuckled Lisa from her car seat.

"You're really big," said Mary Alice as she stood, craning her neck to look up at Tank. "If you were a horse you'd be a Clydesdale. I'm a palomino today."

Tank gave Stephanie a confused look. "She thinks she's a horse," Stephanie mouthed over Mary Alice's head. Tank nodded once and smiled down at the little girl.

"I can see that. You make a great palomino," he said, still smiling. "But, I'm going to let you in on a secret. I'm a horse too, and if you want, I'll give you a ride."

Mary Alice's eyes sparkled and a huge grin broke out over her face. "Okay!" she said.

Tank carefully got down onto his knees, and Mary Alice positioned herself for a piggyback ride. Even with Tank on the ground, she still had to jump to reach his shoulders. He lifted her up and headed for the elevator, carrying the diaper bag in one hand, and holding Mary Alice up with the other. Stephanie trailed along behind, noting with amusement that her niece's legs dangled straight down Tank's back because his frame was too large for her legs to even begin to go around.

She fought a grin while she waited for the elevator to take her to Ranger's seventh floor apartment. He was sure in for a surprise.

* * *

Ranger hung up the phone and waited impatiently for Stephanie. It was a shame she didn't get a chance to wear the dress, but he'd already half expected it. He just hoped she hadn't rolled through garbage today, he'd just had his carpets cleaned.

He busied himself removing all traces of romance from his apartment, making sure that he was prepared for a causal dinner. He doused the candles and cleared away the fancy dishes, opting instead for regular plates. He had changed out of his tux and pulled on some casual black sweatpants and matching shirt. The soft, romantic, music had been stored and his apartment returned to its original state. Now only one thing was missing for his casual apology dinner.

What was taking her so long? Maybe she had decided not to come after all, he had heard about the hamster bedding incident from Tank, who had heard about it from Lula. Maybe standing him up was her idea of paying him back.

Even if she did show up, this wasn't going to be easy. Apologizing had never been his strong point, and he didn't have the first clue how to fix a fuck up this big. Laughing softly at himself, he realized he hadn't been this nervous in years. Not when under fire, hell not even when facing probable death. He had been shot, beaten, and threatened without cracking, but the idea of apologizing to one little white woman was making him pace the room like a nervous little girl waiting for her prom date.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, there was a knock on his door. He checked his watch; it had been exactly twenty three minutes since she had called. He pulled open the door, struggling to resume his stoic facade. It didn't quite hold up to the site that lay in wait.

Steph stood outside his door with a tiny baby in her arms. Ranger raised an eyebrow. Where on earth had she gotten a baby? Or a better question, who had gotten desperate enough to trust a baby to someone who regularly barbecued vehicles. His line of site moved upward and settled behind Steph, where Tank stood looking sheepish. Two pink hands were clasped in front of his neck, the attached arms disappearing over his massive shoulders. If he had to hazard a guess, it was probably another kid.

"Babe?" he asked, eying the baby in her arms. "There something you want to tell me?"

"This is my niece Lisa. Here you go," she said, thrusting Lisa into Ranger's arms.

"Babe…" he trailed off staring down at the pink clad bundle. Children always made him uncomfortable; he hadn't even spent time with his own daughter in ages. Even while holding the baby awkwardly in his arms, he had to give her credit. She had instinctualy managed to pick out the one thing that could possibly get to him. She had amazing perceptions.

"Nope. You told me come as is, well here I am!" Stephanie said, throwing her arms wide. She narrowed her eyes and added, "Besides. You owe me." That confirmed Ranger's suspicions. She _was_ getting even with him like she had with Morelli. Even when he was at the receiving end of her wrath, he was proud of her. His babe was definitely no doormat.

He let out an imperceptible sigh, looked up at Tank, and gestured toward his apartment with his head. Tank, Stephanie and the little girl followed him inside. This was not the evening he had envisioned when he asked her over, but he was determined to make the best of it to show Stephanie how sorry he was. And if it meant putting up with little the little galloping girl and a screaming baby, he would gladly do it. Steph was worth it.

ONE HOUR LATER

"You have got to be shitting me," Ranger thought to himself. No one was worth this. The baby had screamed continuously from the time she had entered the apartment. The little horse kid galloped around the living room alternately making high pitched noises and demanding hay. She had even turned down the carefully prepared food that Ella had made until Stephanie had told her there were oats in it because, 'horses eat oats'.

Oh, who was he kidding? Stephanie was worth every torturous minute. And if he was being really honest with himself, he did deserve far worse.

After Mary Alice had eaten, she had studied Ranger for several minutes, finally declaring that he wasn't a horse like her and Tank, he had to be a donkey instead. Whatever the fuck that meant. Then she went back to the galloping. The entire time Stephanie had just sat back on the couch, taking in the entire scene silently giggling. He could tell that she knew who had won. And it wasn't him.

Ranger knew how to deal with drug dealers, crack addicts, enemy soldiers, and upper level military leaders. Nothing in his experience had prepared him for a little girl who thought she was a horse and he was a donkey. What was he going to do, throw her out the window?

She stopped her galloping and stared up at Ranger again. She cocked her head and furrowed her brow, obviously thinking very hard about something.

"What?" he asked, meeting her gaze.

"I don't get why Aunt Stephanie said you're a donkey," Mary Alice said solemnly.

"She said I was a donkey?"

"Yeah, I heard her say downstairs that you're an ass," Mary Alice said. She turned around and galloped away making the loudest noises he'd ever heard come out of such a small person.

A choking sound came from behind him, and he turned to see Stephanie doubled over, laughing uncontrollably. If she hadn't already been sitting down she would have been in danger of falling over.

He let out a sharp bark of laughter and met her tear-streaming eyes. "Alright babe, I deserved that. But don't you think this is bordering on cruel and unusual?"

"It's about time to return them to their zoo-keeper anyway. But don't think you're off the hook yet," she said shaking her figure playfully. She stood and gathered Lisa in her arms. Ranger snagged Mary Alice as she trotted past and threw her over one shoulder, scooping the diaper bag up in his other hand.

Ranger rode down the elevator with a giggling Mary Alice over his shoulder. Stephanie's eyes sparkled with amusement, which he hoped meant he was at least somewhat forgiven.

The elevator doors opened and he helped Stephanie to her car. He took in the duct taped door and sighed. "You want a car babe?" He crossed his fingers. Not only was it a sure-fire way to piss off Morelli, he would also feel much safer knowing she wasn't driving on the turnpike with nothing but duct tape between her and the pavement.

"Nope, I've already got the car seat in this one," she said as she leaned over to buckle in Lisa. Mary Alice climbed into the car and Stephanie leaned up and kissed Ranger on the cheek. "_That_ was for the bar fight," she murmured in his ear. He smiled in spite of himself. She drove him nuts, but god he loved this woman.

Ranger leaned through her door to give her a peck on the cheek. "The car smells like goat manure babe," he said. He gave her a full on grin and closed the door in her indignat face before she had a chance to retort. She cranked the car on and backed carefully out of her parking space.

He watched her pull out of the garage and smiled to himself. Stephanie Plum was a challenge, and he loved a good challenge. Suddenly, another though occurred to him. If that was only payback for the bar fight, what else did she have in store? Good thing she didn't know about his and Morelli's deal. Yet.

Luckily, she hadn't even asked about the fight, he wasn't ready to explain that. And under no circumstances would he ever lie to her. He turned to go back inside the building still slightly smiling. Yes, the woman he loved was a stubborn pain in the ass, but he was even more stubborn.


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning, Stephanie pulled into the bonds office still smiling. It's not everyday you irritate Batman and live to tell about it. As she walked through the door, Lula and Connie looked up from the desk where Connie had been painting Lula's nails a bright fuchsia.

Today Lula was wearing a purple snakeskin vinyl top paired with tight black pants and boots that looked like they were left over from her 'ho days. Connie was wearing a red shirt that was cut so low Stephanie feared that her nipples were going to pop out at any moment. They both studied Stephanie's face and broke out into matching grins.

"Uh oh, I know that smile," Lula said. "What did you do to Batman? I swear to God girl, everything on the fine looking man better still work right, or you've done the women of the world one of them injustices."

"Everything should still work right, unless children cause impotency," Stephanie said as began a search of the office for doughnuts.

"Damn straight girl- wait what? Children? I know you didn't get knocked up last night, you haven't had sex in weeks." Lula narrowed her eyes and scrutinized Stephanie. "Nope definitely no sex."

"Jeeze! How does everyone know when I've had sex? It's like I've got a friggen sign posted on my head!" Stephanie threw up her hands in frustration and discontinued her doughnut search. The only way she was getting doughnuts was driving down the street to get some. She flopped down on the couch next to Lula.

"You're holding out on your friends again," Connie said, pointing the fuchsia colored nail polish cap at Stephanie.

Stephanie thunked her head onto the back of the couch. "I am not! You two are just too busy speculating about my non-existent sex life to listen!"

"Alright, alright, don't get your panties in a bunch, just tell us what happened last night," Lula said.

Stephanie summarized her evening, breaking down in giggles at the part where Mary Alice had called Ranger a donkey.

"Holy crap and you're still alive?" Connie laughed, wiping tears from her eyes.

"Girl, I can't believe you pulled that shit on Ranger and didn't wake up in Guatemala this morning. That man must have it bad!" Lula finally said, after her giggles had subsided.

"It is a shame you didn't get to wear that dress though," Connie said, her eyes glazing over slightly. Stephanie nodded in agreement; she had really been looking forward to that part.

"So what's your next move girl?" Lula asked.

Stephanie shrugged. "I don't really know. I think I need doughnuts before I can think about it."

"Amen to that girl. Go get some doughnuts, then we can go catch us some skips after my nails dry." Lula gestured to a pile of files stacked on Connie's desk. From the looks of it, it had been a busy night. Before she started on any new files though, she needed to catch Adam Alferi the gorilla-man.

Stephanie jumped into her car and motored off down the street to the Tasty Pastry. She stopped at a red light and gasped when her passenger door was pulled open and someone jumped in. Stephanie turned and realized that it was Adam Alferi. Looked like he had saved her the trouble of looking for him at least. He fastened his seat belt and growled out, "Drive."

He was just as hairy as ever, but at least he was wearing clothes today. Unfortunately he also was pointing a gun at her. "Listen bitch, I'm not going to jail."

"I wasn't trying to take you to jail!" Stephanie said, looking out of the corner of her eye at the gun. "I was trying to get you rescheduled for your court date. You'll probably just have to pay a fine or something for public indecency."

"You're just lying to get me there. Just like all women! I fucking hate women. I'm going to do the world a favor and-" Stephanie took and left turn and suddenly, Adam was cut off. Steph looked into her passenger seat and realized it was now empty. She peered into her review mirror and realized that as she had taken her turn, her door had flown open and Adam's seatbelt had broken. He was now lying facedown in the middle of a busy intersection, looking exactly like hairy road kill, if road kill wore red workout shorts and ratty old t-shirts.

"Crap!" Stephanie hit her steering wheel. "I killed the wolfman!" She cranked her wheel and parked in the middle of the intersection, flipping on her hazard lights to keep people from running over her skip. She saw several people dialing their cell phones, so rather than wasting time calling 911 she ran over to check on Adam. He was still breathing, but was unconscious.

Suddenly, there was a crash behind her and she turned around in time to see an expensive black car plow into hers. Her car crumpled and flew into a light pole on the side of the road, its hazard lights still blinking. Another car tail-ended the black one and its trunk popped open, revealing a duct-taped man inside. His eyes widened and he jumped out of the trunk and took off running awkwardly, as his hands were still taped behind his back. Two guys exited the backseat, grabbed the duct-taped guy and shoved him into the rear door.

Stephanie stared in shocked silence from across the street. The driver made eye contact with her, narrowed his eyes and gunned the engine, heading straight towards her. She dove out of the way, and the smashed car continued past her on the street.

She stood up and dusted herself off, waiting for the sirens in the distance to arrive. She didn't have to wait long before every emergency vehicle in Trenton screamed into the intersection.

She ran up to the first police officer she saw and explained to him about the duct-taped man in the trunk of the black car. The officer nodded and jumped back into his police car, heading in the direction she had pointed out.

Stephanie moved to the side as the EMT's loaded up Adam. Eddie Gazarra sauntered up looking thoroughly amused.

"You win the betting pool?" Stephanie asked Eddie, feeling fairly sour. All she had wanted was a dozen Boston cream doughnuts, and instead she got taken hostage and almost ran over.

His grin widened even further. "Yep. And to think I didn't even want to come handle this accident. They didn't mention your name over the scanner, so this is a pleasant surprise." He took her statement quickly and then wandered off to do whatever cops did. Stephanie sighed and seated herself on the curb. There went another car.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw a black truck pull up right behind a beat up Crown Vic. She rolled her eyes, just what she needed to complete her day. Steph turned her head to the spot where Adam Alferi had been lying in the intersection and wrinkled her forehead in confusion. On the pavement, there was a blob of…something Stephanie couldn't quite identify. She looked a little harder and realized what it was.

Lying on the road was a piece of flesh with _a lot_ of thick black hair attached. She jerked back in revulsion and comprehension dawned. The road had effectively peeled the skin off Adam's stomach when he hit. Her head started to swim and black dots danced in front her eyes. It was a…stomach scalping! She lost consciousness.

She awoke to angry voices above her and she cracked one eye open.

"…too dangerous. This is why I keep telling her to quit her job. One of these days it's going to be her laying on the pavement." Morelli was kneeling next to her, complete with raised voice and angry Italian hand gestures. Ranger was kneeling on her other side with his blank face on, staring down Morelli.

"Bullshit." Ranger said, "Connie said she was going to the store to get doughnuts. If she can get into this much trouble buying pastries, God knows what she could do in a button factory."

"If she stops playing bounty hunter then she won't attract these crazies. The only reason this happened was because her skip apparently took her hostage and luckily got thrown out of the car before he hurt her. Then she almost got ran over by someone with a guy in their trunk! Un-fucking-believable." Morelli's hand gestures became larger and more Italian, which was a sure sign of his growing agitation. Steph debated whether or not she could get away with pretending to still be unconscious so she wouldn't have to talk to him.

"Shut up Morelli, she's waking up and the last thing she needs is your macho bullshit." Oops, busted. Count on Ranger to pick up on her wakeful state. Sighing internally, she opened her eyes completely. "How you feeling babe?" Ranger helped her into a sitting position and she took a deep breath.

"Is it gone?" she asked, afraid to look for herself.

The corner of Ranger's mouth twitched. "Yeah babe, it's gone."

"What the hell were you thinking?" Morelli said, his voice still rising.

Now that Stephanie was fully awake, she was getting sick of his attitude. "Well, I don't know Morelli, I think I was thinking, wow I'd really like a doughnut, guess I'll go buy one."

"That not what I meant," he said as he hauled her to her feet. "Why on earth would you attract the attention of a guy who has someone in his trunk? That's about the stupidest thing you could have done."

"Hey," Ranger interjected, "I said to knock it off."

"Fuck you Manoso, stay out of this," Morelli said, unconsciously tightening his grip on Steph's arm.

Ranger took a menacing step forward and Stephanie could see this turning ugly really fast. Just because they were able to agree on terms of competition didn't mean that tensions weren't running high where the other one was concerned. "Stop it both of you," she said as she pulled out of Morelli's grasp and stepped in front of Ranger.

Morelli took a deep breath, ran his fingers through his hair and spoke. "Sorry. I just get so worried every time I get a call like this. I couldn't stand it if you got hurt cupcake."

Steph reached over to Morelli and gave him a soft hug. "I know, but really you don't need to worry. Everything's fine." She turned to Ranger whose blank face had suddenly made a return. "Can you give me a ride back since my car has gone to car heaven?"

Stephanie thought she saw a fleeting look of triumph, and so quickly she couldn't be sure that she didn't just imagine it, he shot a smug look at Morelli. She blinked and his face was once again devoid of emotion. She had probably just imagined it.

She climbed into the cab of his truck and settled back against the seats. The smell of Ranger permeated the car and it had distinctly calming influence on her nerves. He climbed into the driver's seat and she felt the truck start to move. Two minutes later, the truck rolled to a stop. She cracked her eyes open and saw the Tasty Pastry sign.

"Oh my God, I love you," she said throwing her arms around Ranger.

His arms tightened around her and there was silence in the cab for several moments. Stephanie realized what she had just said and she felt embarrassment creeping into her face. She moved to pull away but Ranger's arms held her still against him.

Finally, in a strangely strangled voice Ranger said, "I love you too babe."

Stephanie's head felt like it had detached from her body and she took a deep breath. "In your own way?"

"In _every_ way," he said, his voice much stronger this time. "That's what I wanted to tell you last night. When I heard about Morelli proposing I thought I'd lost my chance, and I bailed. And with that stupid deal…I'm sorry, I shouldn't have treated you like that…" Ranger trailed off, and took a deep breath. Stephanie realized that this must be very hard for Ranger, he didn't seem to be the type who made apologies very often. Or ever.

And he _loved_ her. Without qualifications. Secretly, she had been hoping that she hadn't misunderstood his and Morelli's deal. Realistically though, she had figured it was some sort of spur of the moment, alcohol and testosterone induced incident, that both men would soon lose interest in. It seemed now though, that at least Ranger was playing for keeps. Was she ready to be for it to be for keeps? She loved both men, and she wasn't sure if she was prepared to make a choice between them, when both were now an option.

In all honesty, she didn't feel as if she knew that much about Ranger. He was secretive and quiet. She didn't even have the benefit of reading his emotions to clue her into his inner workings. She had known for quite some time that she was in love with him, but to know that he was in love with her back was positively terrifying. Could she even do it?

"Babe?" came Ranger's soft voice, cutting through her musings. She realized that she was still pulled tight up against him, halfway in his lap, halfway on the consol.

"What about the other night with Morelli? You wanna tell me about that?" Stephanie asked softly. All of her other doubts she felt like she might be able to work through, but if he lied to her now, she wasn't sure if that was something she could deal with.

* * *

**AN: Thanks to Haleigh! I struggled a little with Ranger's apology and trying to make it seem realistic, and as always, her pointers were so helpful! Thanks for reading, remember to review:-)**


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